manakinn

in one week, and one day I will own a house.
I will have keys to a new life.
i will have a place to call my own and not have to answer to someone else to paint the walls or blare music.
I will have a safe place, a comfort, a home.  somthing i havent had in a very long time.


I'm 21. About to buy a house.
Funny thing is I still wont be "good enough" for everyone in my family.
This proves the fact that my life and everything/one in it dosen't give a shit about me or my feelings.
Half of them wrote me off for life, all because of my father. My father who was the best man i've ever met. (its not me being bias)
The other half are to absorbed in their own life to care, to think, or speak to me. Im amazed at the this fact.
Am I really that bad? Am i really not worth love from my own flesh and blood?

in 8 days I will acomplish something they never have.

....why do I want to rub their faces in this fact so badly.

I am changing a life-shattering event into a new life for myself................. God.. what i would give for him to see this house, and tell me he was proud.

so uh....
anyone know how to get rid of a mocking bird? lol

Theres one about 15 feet from my bdrom window.

Im going crazy.
Full on CRAZY.
the thing sounds like DAne cooks car alarm joke.
I swear its chirping.... "wakeupwakeupwakeup"
I have found NOTHING online about how to get rid of it.


ARGH

if i dont get a decent nights sleep soon...

 I was contimplating the bug-spray flamethrower trick. thats how close i am to losing it.

.mana

First fathers day with out him.
I only crawled out of bed at 7pm because i had to pee and needed a cig. I crawled right back in,

I'm at the moment curled up around my laptop trying to keep my fingers moving so that i feel like i've acomplished something today
.
I didnt realize i didnt post about Grandmom. She passed and her funeral was tuesday. my "family" couldnt have avoided me anymore then they did. In fact my "uncles" that were around my whole life avoided me and my uncle whom i didnt know exist for so long steped up and was an uncle.

Whoo hoo for shitty family and horrible souls.

Im going back to bed.
.mana

so im on my new laptop on my balcony looking at the ocean......wearing my bug-eyed babies. Yet Im coming home in a few hours.
My vacation away is a flop.

Grandmom had a stroke and has a tear in her heart, and her kidneys failed so I gotta go home to see her. From what Im hearing its not gunna be good. But what in my life is good anymore?

I went shopping to get a weeks worth of shopping done in a few hours... and spent a lil to much but whatever. I felt a little better. So Im waiting for Jer to come pick me up. I think Gram is still in ICU at ephrata if not shes been moved to lancaster general.

I should go pack ... i really dont feel like it though. I cant bring myself to leave the balcony.

If i hear "damn shes Stacked" one more time Im gunna throw one of these lil teenie-boppers off the 7th Floor balcony.

.mana

Turkish poet Rumi:

Our death is our wedding with eternity
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire.

Ok so Gertie showed. And shes HUGE. i did not realize how freakin big a 15.4 moniter is on a lappie.  and shes got a full keyboard. So yeah this beast will not be for playin around outside with lol. And I also found that i HATE vista. I had a lovely mini-nervous breakdown because of it. Somone get the big red stamp and put it on my forehead, "Vistas' Bitch"

I feel like crap... leave it to me getting sick 3 days before i leave for the beach. ARHGASHHAGHAg!!!! lol ya that about covers it.
Sims 3. Not what i was expecting big let down.

Good things that i was looking forward too that didnt let me down this week:
-my etsy buys
-Glasses show tomorrow
-beach is still on
- still gunna be 21 on senor week.

ugh still gotta do laundry, pack and condense art shit into my travel case, cause i know ill wanna do somtihng while there staring at the ocean on my balcony. (it better not suck considering how much money i spent... it better be freakin ocean front lol... eh fuck ocean front. OCEAN ON!!)

ok done with my dribbles about this week.

love.
.mana

Ok ...so hopefully the next time i post i will be on my balcony on my new laptop at the beach...

I can not wait for the sun, and some water lol. Im not a beach goer, not at all really.... I always bitch about the sand and such but I need out for a lil bit.

Random- my turtle is freakin HUGE i got her at 4inches in september of last year. she is now almost 8 inches. Her name has changed from brody monroe to "gigantour" only because i cant pick her up anymore my hands dont fit around her. Why are all my pets Huge? lol i keep having to change their names because they are freakin ridiculous. Sorry we just cleaned her tank and i couldnt pick her up.

I ordered a new laptop, got a new digital camera today, 6 (yes 6) moleskienes and the 156 prismacolour marker set. I'm hoping this will put my ass in gear to create some more stuff... if not then well shit i got good stuff to play with hehe.

a friend and I talked aboutt maybe doing a photo excursions, so i might get some new stuff for my next showing. If not then ill take some stocks for my drawing/painting.

I actually managed to go thru with a plan! im in shock, and very happy. I got everything on my list that i needed once i got my money and now i have extra money for emergencies (i never complete anything)

Things Im looking forward too:
-Photo excursions with my new cam
-Sims 3
-photoshop (how i missed thee)
-Gertie (my laptop that i should get tomorrow or the next day ::squeeeeee::)
-learning how the hell to work my camera (i used to be so good at that shit)
-BEACHBEACHBEACHBEACH
-being 21 on senor week... lol yay! leo was right I am a loser
-all my etsy buys to come
-Working on Kaylinns book
-new glasses hopefully show up soon

There was somthing I wanted to write but i can not remember it for the life of me lol
Ill havta edit tomorrow anyway since i cant see my screen (i cant find my glasses lol)
oh well.
I guess thats all for now
.mana

Holy freakin crap. I have not had so much fun since i was in High school. It was a good weekend, I remembered why i love my best friend as much as I do.

High points:
-getting nose pierced again cause, "why the heck not"

-Cussing out 13 year olds who called me "scene". Yes, I did it. Everything they were wearing was from Hot topic. Yet i was "scene" LOL I had a shirt on that I printed, myself, home-fuckin made, and I'm scene? I think My shirt was older then they were. Gah Im so mad at that right now. Somhow wearing a flower in my hair and janis-joplin sunglasses make me "scene". Granted I was wearing a sweatshirt that was kinda the typical "scene" kid shit but yeah i was fuckin cold and it was the first thing I found in kates closet.  I dont know what came over me to be completely honest, Ive never screamed/cussed sumone out across a street, but i was having a great day and they bust that out, I lost it. I took a page outta mathew lillerd in SLC punk. the famous "Im finally 18, and i can say FUuuuuuuCk Yoooouuuu" ::double middles::. .... yeah my mature ass whiped out the double middles and screamed, "im scene? U fuckin hipsters.... Fuuuuuccccckkkk youuuuu" then I filled kaylinn on what they said and yea, had to hold her back. I dont take kindly to stupid people as of late.

-We went to ross for some clothing.... I got my ass slapped by a 5 year old. Yep just ran up spanked me and was gone in .5 seconds. The lady at ross had insane Eyebrows. they were mad anime eyebrows. They actually LOOKED sharp, like to the touch. And they went all the way to her hairline on both sides. How is this possible? lol cause they WERE NOT penciled. I kept txting kaylinn "holy eyebrows batman." "dude if she was a cavewomen she could hunt with those fuckers" yeah we are bad. But it was fun.

-new sunglasses, janis-joplin style. SOOO happy about that. I missed my bug eyed babies.

-I actually acomplished my goal when I with kaylinn. I wanted new clothes with no band logos or writing and jeans. for under $250 I got 10 shirts (jeans and/or work stuff, if i get a "real" job) 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of sunglasses, a sweatshirt, a big ass hair flower, & a new wallet (in LOVE with it btw).

-JACKPOT... I got the mana pots Ive been wanting, but not wanted to buy a case of em. So woot. I now have a bottle of me. lol i suck at life.

-Got first season of six feet under. OH MY GOD. obsession.  i think ill be away from my pc all week, cause now we have 1-4. next week depending on how many seasons I get threw in the next few days, Ill pick them up too..watch 3 episodes... and will probably watch  2 more before i pass out.

-Skip James is my GOD. at the moment lol. Ive been singing devil got my women all day.

-Nxt flea market Im so setting up. me and kaylinn could make a killin. I did get 7 pieces of art, and an e-mail/webbie of one of the artists i chatted with.

- I finally got my squirtle today, yes the pokemon. but I collect turtles, and i have over 200 turtle "things" and didnt have a single squirtle. granted most of my "tuts" are handcarved stone and/or old lady figurines. But now i have him. I hugged the girl i bought it from, cause i've been searching about 5 years now for one. Yes I AM  that  much of a loser.

Ok I need to go watch another episode or two. and hang my new art :)
.mana
 

ok since I sucked up the Project April, and didnt do it. Revisions to this years plan/goals are now being made.

3 images a day must be found and printed/saved for the insprition notebook.

I sit on my pc for hours anyway now i just have to do something. And this'll be like an artists date thing anyway which gets into what i want too.

New shit:
funfun filling came outta my tooth.  up to 30 tylinal today alone. Woot on that shit.
Art for skipp. 11x14 abstract in red.
Must go threw files I have and compress.
Start looking for laptop. and Camerea. And video camera. I want to be vlogging by september.
Think about beach trip. If its gunna be possible... etc. Mom would love it. and if me and leo do go them Kaylinn will come for fear of being neglected. HA! lol
MUST FIGURE OUT HOW TO ORGANIZE ART SHIT!!!!
MUNCHKIN DATE> must get wheels turning.

I cant think of anything else.
tatafornow
.mana

moments of extreme frustration.  Yes last night. Nothing but little disappointments threw me into extreme frustration. I wanted to scream. Kick in doors, punch threw walls and take off heads. what brought this on?

 basically nothing.

I cant handle my life anymore. I cant deal with losing my best friend. I cant deal with not knowing who the fuck I am when i had figured it all out.

I swear to god if i hear "you lost the most important person in your life, this is normal" I will blow up.

I DONT ACT THIS WAY. This is NOT me.

Its been 3 months since this happend... why am I still dreaming of him.

I cant tell you how many times Ive woken up in the middle of the night hearing my fathers screams echo in my head. The voice is unbareably his. It tore my heart out. I was so screwed up that night from hearing him and being scared shitless i vomited at the hospital. It was the 2nd worst day of my life.

The worst day of my life is not the day he died.

It is the day I went to call him about some new gadget i found online. Thats when I realized I would never hear him answer the phone again. no more "hey butthead whats up" no more "stop stressin your overreacting" or "what can I do".

How is it fair that I lost the one person who loved me unconditionally? the one person who would always be there to help me out of a stupid situation I put myself into.

I have a gaping hole in my chest that I doubt will ever be filled. My bones feel shattered. My heart is gone.

I have to relearn how to live. How to deal. How to breathe. No one should have to do that.

Im done ranting. Sorry.

Wow my nerves are shot today. lol
MY boyfriend plays a card game (magic) and Ive learned how to play, just so i understand what he talks about after a game.(also what I did with World of Warcraft but i ended up addicted to that game hehe. He created an mmo monster.)

Ive been to Worlds with him, grand pree's, and all the local stuff, I even collect the cards too.

Ive played a few games against my ex-roomie, which really was a learning experience since all his decks were "fuck you" decks meaning i shouldn't have won, I won a few with him.

This past week Ive been really practicing, even learning to shuffle cards the right way (my hands are to small to shuffle new cards hehe)

A new set of the cards are being released so I figure Id play at the event.... because I'm insane. And then the boy will get twice the amount of cards he would have if just he played.

Tomorrow is the event. Theres gunna be ALOT of people there from what Ive been told, so i may not even play anyone I know (my goal is to beat my best friends boyfriend (at some point this year) for bragging rights for her and I :) lol).

The boyfriend and I drafted the cards like they will have us do tomorrow, I have never created a deck on my own, Ive got a few decks but they were all made by the boy and altered by me (aka taking out the cards i didn't understand)

tomorrow they will give us 6 packs of cards, 3 of the new series and 3 of an old series, Ive seen and understand most of the cards in the old set, and know a few of the new set (the boy got a few packs of the new set from a pre-realse event last weekend) So i dont think ill have any problem making my deck.  Infact the practice deck i built i beat the boy with 2 outta 3 games. I was shocked, (i think he was too lol, not to mention proud in the "girlfriend did a geeky thing again" sort of way)

Im just freaked out.

I never did sports, or ANY type of compitition. Ever. like seriously Ive never done anything of the compititve sort.
And Im competing with somthing im just learning how to do. How can i not be freaked out .....right?

ARGH! lol Ive never had so many butterflies over somthing like this.

I wanna practice some more tonight but the boy dosent want too.

I did call my mom to tell her about it, just to be less stressy over it. her response was "OMG when I wanna come watch you, please let me come" i ended that quick lol.

Dad missing section:
I probably would have only let dad come anyway (if he was still around) just because he would be a cheerleader and would make me play better by watching for weaknesses of the other players (no joke lol he would be like the trainer in the boxing ring hehe)
Its times when Im really freaked that i miss him the most lol. I know what he would say if i called him right now, but knowing it and hearing it are two different things it seems.

"just do it and have fun butthead. its just a game and fuck if u win you win, if your lose you lose. can i come with my camerea if u win" lol

but Im gunna sign off now, smoke yet another cig and try to mellow out.
Probably watch my movie again since ive only wated it twice last night lol.

.mana

50 hugs to whoever can name the movie from this quote:

Professor Sandiford: Now Eno, why haven't you been doing the assignments?
Eno: Frankly, I find them constricting and largely irrelevant. My work has nothing to with form or light or color, but with questioning the nature of aesthetic experience.
Professor Sandiford: I'll buy that.

It finally healed. Woot!.... I gotta go back soon get some touchups but its about2 inches long, on the inside of my left wrist.
stem is towards my elbow.

I love it. I cant wait to get kim's firefly. I need to figure out how to add it into my half-sleeve design.

off to bed now. running on E. 1 1/2 hour sleep in the past 48hrs.
.mana

Today i Rung in project april!
yay! I did 2 pages, the "noli me" page and the "seven deadly sins". I tried to do that gel medium image transfer that i saw on youtube, yeah i ruined the book lol. So i gotta go back tomorrow and Try to fix the problem. I think it may be the type of transperency  (sp? no idea) i used.

I want to hold an art auction , i have no idea how to do this but i wanna raise some money for the tug mcgraw foundation and i know enough artists to get a decent amount of work to be sold. I need to figure out where to even start with it. advertising maybe? fins a location? i dont want to end up with 30 pieces of work and no way to get them sold. hotel maybe? dont they have banquet halls or somthing?

argh i need to go to bed.
Im rambling and my head hurts.
.mana

Tomorrow is day one.
I cant freakin wait.
Somehow I broke my scissors today. ARGH.
.mana

well i have been feeling like complete and utter crap for a few days.  I'm really hittin a new low. I miss dad do much.
I just found out the amount of money im getting for the life insurance thing. I almost pissed myself.
Im going to college, finding a new place, gettin a sleeve tat and goin on a shopping spree.

Reminders to myself:
moleskiene
laptop
tattoo
jeans CLOTHES
stuff for bubs
trip wit the boy
trip wit Kaylinn
Trip alone
Get POS car looked at.
ALL the freakin prisma markers.
art organizing stuff
label maker.
art shit.
wish list off amazon.
wish list off etsy.


Well shit. i didnt think i had that much to get.  eh couldnt end up being to much lol
ill post some art tomorrow
much love.
.mana

Pages from my Current journal.
Background on ‘em: lost my father and sister within the past year so they are a bit depressing. (sorry)
Defiantly different them my last journal, I'm using more paint, then magazines now. I have no idea where the image from the cover is from, i got an envie of photos from an old friend, it just happend to match my journal so on it went! lol Sorry for my horrid spelling on my pages lol.
12 images under the cut

( +++ )


More soon I hope.

friends and cc are more then welcome :)
.mana

UGH!
Lets try this again.
i need to stick to one browser at a time. i just lost my entry..... AGAIN.


my list for ProJect April:

 

 

( + )

 

Allot of them are quotes from my old blog, i really want to get ideas out for them.
the last two are my pet turtle and cat.  I thought it would be nifty to do they're personalities. Brody is my lil rockstar turtle with a HUGE attitude problem. Salem is my OLD cat, that's going thru a midlife crisis.  (i have weird pets i know)

 I think that'll be all for tonight.

.Mana

April 1st is the first day of my newest project.
I started doing the prelim work today. I cant wait to start it. I'm so excited.

I'm going to be doing a notebook, with 54 words, quotes and such to do artwork with. 2009 is my year to branch out of my "normal" genre of art. I want to try everything that i normally wouldn't. April's project will be a huge step in this path.

Everyday I will do two, 2-page spreads (less then 60 incase i miss a day, im bad like that) . I'm not allowed to do my normal "bold black lined sharpie works" Instead I will use all of my other materials, oil pastels, chalk, pencils, watercolours, you name it.  Stuff that is decent or that I like will most likely end up on a larger scale, or worked into my regular art journal.

May's project is also planned out. I'm going to write and illustrate a book about dad and the struggles we had last year and this year. I want to document it. I've been thinking allot about it and it still dosent feel real so I'm hoping that maybe I can get some closure. I had started to write letters to him but its not giving me the closure I need.

Ah well tomorrow I will post all 54 topics.


much love.
.mana

Pages from my old journal:

Majorly image heavy.
( Clikit ).mana
friends always welcome